first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
