I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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