i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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