you didnt know i had herpes?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
