apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I will pee on everything he values.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
