as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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