He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
We had sex on a dog bed..
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
