I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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