My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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