Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
