My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
