the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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