imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
