Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
