I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize