Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
