turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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