The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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