we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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