this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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