Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
our cab driver is having phone sex.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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