I wanna bring you to show and tell
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My pussy is not your playground.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
