That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize