The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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