I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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