perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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