This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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