I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
