my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We are two peas in an std pod
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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