MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
