I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
