So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
