True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
