have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize