margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
