we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
