oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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