do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
