I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
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