So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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