Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
