I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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