Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
