dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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