I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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