i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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