Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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