Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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