I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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