The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
