wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You have to summon your inner elephant
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
