every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
