Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
