Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
two words...techno handjob
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
