turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
