Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
