We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
