Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
