Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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