I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
