Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
