i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
