the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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