i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize